I did watch it. I even paid the extra quid for the HD rental.
The main thing to note is that unlike 98% of reviews for this I’m not a shill, and neither am I someone who loved The Last Jedi, but now feels that they ‘have to find negative points with the sequel to fit in with both the haters and the lovers of the previous Star Wars film equally’ – because you people are fucking pathetic.
Okay let me just try and let this flow out of me….
First thing I noticed in the first few minutes was the colours – they really pop – helped too by my kick-arse Sony TV of course.
I was expecting to hate Richard E Grant in this – I certainly cringe everytime I think of “General Pryde (#Pride #Diversity #GayRights #LoveIsLove”..anyway back to supposedly actual Star Wars)…but I actually thought he was really good and a perfect fit. So I’m glad he lasted as long as he did.
There was suddenly this big festival, that looked oh-so-suspiciously Indian/Asian in sound and visuals (#Diversity, #WeAreOne, another checklist box ticked off, etc etc…ahem back to actual Star Wars). Then during all this festival shite, and after walking past a metal elephant that was….umm….clearing the sand..? (You’re in a desert, pal – think that’s going to be a one-sided battle) they met Lando, who was bizarrely wearing the same clothes he wore 50 years earlier, as opposed to the blue outfit which during the timeline he would have been wearing a lot more recently). Presumably another attempt to make this about (C)DISNEY. NOTHING ELSE EXISTED, RIGHT??!!! Yes. We get it. Yawn. After this was the “they fly now” bit which everyone was making fun of all over Twitter. Now, it did strike me that although WE all knew troops could fly for aeons, Poe and Finn would not have known this. But there again, there was the small point that C3PO DID already know – and he was the one who exclaimed that they “fly now” first. Which……only proves yet again the people that made this know next to nothing about Star Wars. Which I’d say is a bit of an issue when you’re tasked with making a Star Wars film. You can tell that they tried SO HARD to make the chase scene…”hold on, I have to consult my production notes… …. …. ….. ……’thrilling and exciting'”. It was neither.
At the end of the chase, and no one else seems to have noticed this, C3PO’s legs can clearly be seen waggling around in the quicksand. Yet a few moments later cut back to him and he’s magically righted himself and is up the right way. Continuity not your strong arm, eh Jeffrey…?
I then vaguely recall some inconsequential shite at nighttime on this planet with snow on it, where Poe met up with some strong woman (#TheForceIsFemale, #Women, #GirlPower….er anyway back to actual Star Wars). Oh and C3PO had to get his memory wiped by this tiny little Babu Frik character, who was clearly so marketable that I’ve not seen any toys of this character at all, anywhere. This too, of course, was utterly inconsequential, as R2D2 had a backup to just restore it a bit later.
I think it was after this Rey and Kylo had their ‘climactic’ lightsaber duel on the surface of a shipwreck, which was about as high energy as a couple of oldies in a care home clashing umbrellas. No really, it was that weak.
Then stuff happened, including a chimpanzee with pointy ears fixing Kylo’s helmet (he did of course, carefully repair his helmet, only for him to not wear it ever again for more than 3 minutes), then Palpatine…er I mean dead Palpatine…er I mean cloned…er…hologram Palpatine met Rey, and actually that was the first time in the entire Disney Trilogy that I’d ever seen Rey look vulnerable (her default setting was entitled/knew everything already). That bit stood out. What also stood out a mile for me, was that I liked the Emperor’s Force lightning effect 100x more in Return of the Jedi than I did here. It just looked weak and bland here as a special effect. Something you’d see in any old half-arsed trashy American sci-fi series. Then they had the big space battle, and Rebel ships were dropping out of the sky…then they weren’t. And if they had that many ships all along, you were wondering why they didn’t just use them all earlier. Then I saw Wedge again, who bizarrely, unlike all the other pilots, was not wearing a helmet whilst flying an X-Wing – presumably so that we could go “LOOK!! THERE’S WEDGE AGAIN!!!“. Then Rey died but got brought back to life by Kylo, who then died himself, but having proved her ability to heal stuff all through the film, and saving Kylo and turning him back to Ben (although it could be said Han Solo did that by appearing as a Force ghost…er..vision..thing), she suddenly decided not to bother and just enjoy all the credit for herself. Charming people, these female Jedi, aren’t they.
Oh and how could I forget to mention the space horses. Fucking pathetic. At least when they used elephants for Banthas, you could not actually TELL it was an elephant. The space horses were painfully obviously just a horse with foam tusks stuck on. You know, the level of imagination and special effects you’d expect from your local Middle School Christmas play.
Then Wicket appeared on Endor for about 5 seconds for no perceivable reason – there was just 1 Ewok next to him…..and no other Ewoks. At all. On Endor. Oh and Rose Tico had by this time completely evaporated. Maybe she’ll be back as a Force ghost/hologram/not hologram/vision in the next Star Wars film – being, you know, “the first Vietnamese woman to play a leading role in a Star Wars film” (according to Trần Loan).
And then the credits rolled.
Now here’s what DID surprise me – taken on its own I actually didn’t hate the film. But disregarding ALL of this “Disney shouldn’t have done this, this person shouldn’t have done that” stuff we’ve all raked over endlessly, the reason I felt nothing for this film as a massive Star Wars fan, and the reason this film was ALWAYS going to fail, was because The Last Jedi exists. Rian “subverted your expectations”. That’s basically the weakest fucking get out clause for not following ANY of the story arc or plotlines set up in The Force Awakens. When you watch the original trilogy (when it was still a Star Wars trilogy), you could follow the clear character development, the events matched up and flowed through all 3 films. With The Rise Of Skywalker, you spent at least half the film going “what?? Why did that happen?? Where did that suddenly come from? Where did that suddenly go to??” A competent trilogy means you DON’T EVER END UP DOING THAT. But as we’ve all seen, this series of 3 films was connected by just one thing and one thing alone: they all had “Star Wars” at the start of the titles.
I’ll leave you now with the pure perfection of Ryan George, with The Rise of Skywalker Pitch Meeting, as I was hearing this in my head throughout the film at the various points he mentions. 🤣